This one I drafted for the attacker who mess it all up.......
Dear Scummy Peasant,
Well my dear surf, intelligence is obviously not your strong point is it now? I refer of course to your recent attempt at attacking my fortress.
Thank you for sending your rather dirty, worthless and scruffy troops out on what can only be regarded as a walk in the picnic park. Please provide your “troops” with horses and weapons next time in order they at least can defend themselves should they be attacked by the local girl guides troop as they will all surely be wiped out … again.
The few that were carrying cheap Chinese imitations of spears and dare I say it... swords were plainly cheap imitations and obviously purchased from merchants of very dubious origins. As you can see from the report your hopeless attack generated, your troops decided not to come home to you, the poor dears.
My troops on the other hand had a lot of fun scraping your peasants off the battlement walls of my fortress. My troops and glorious knights also had great joy chasing many of your “troops” off into the woods; they sliced off their ugly heads neatly, providing some fine sport and a rather poor meal for my bull mastiffs. Your “troops” fled screaming like small girls who had their legs slapped with a wooden spoon for stealing cookies from the great hall kitchen.
The heads of those unfortunates have been mounted on pikes at the entrance to my fortress as a stern reminder to the troops you may decide to send as a suicide offering next time. We are looking forward to your next visit; in fact I have promised my cleaners and cook some action in that they can mount the first defence, then there will be no requirement for my soldiers to rush to bear arms.
Some of your troops fell into my soldiers camp field latrines (toilets). It was rather amusing for my guys to watch as they drowned in deep and rancid gloopy poo. Their cheap tin plate armour dragged them down slowly into the crappy gunge and they suffered a great deal, at various stages they all gulped in large lumps of slimy crap which must have been rather unpleasant, especially as it was quite cold.
You’ll be happy to know that as they died they muttered curses and wept uncontrollably, particularly when my chaps relieved them selves with streams of hot you "know what" upon their heads as a final parting and loud farting salute to their unfortunate demise.
We have sent to you in the bag attached, a few heads that you may like to present to the families of those that died today. Perhaps the families will think twice next time before they excitedly send off their sons and fathers to wage war on such a mighty adversary.
I suggest that next time you send your womenfolk, I am sure they will put up a better fight that the "men" you sent this time. My men need some additional training you see and some "entertainment" too, so please ensure you comply.
I have organised a couple of thousand axmen to pay you a visit shortly. When I say a couple of thousand I really mean seven thousand, two hundred rams and a few extra bits and pieces to warm up your afternoon.
I shall take tea now with my Barons, discuss the funniest parts of your attack and later dispatch my small entourage to pay you a visit. I think it would be best if you slept with the lights on tonight and perhaps with your Teddy Bear for comfort.
We part with these final words, a little something to cheer you and your noobs up as you train your donkeys and retards in the rain for the next slaughter they experience upon attacking our fortress again.
If at first you don’t succeed, QUIT and re-start as you have failed miserably. E- (minus) is your score for today. Now go back to the Main menu, look up help and read it!
Yours Sincerely