Jekyll & Clyde

Discussion in 'World 97' started by Fleezus Clyde, Mar 22, 2018.

Share This Page

  1. Fleezus Clyde

    Fleezus Clyde Forum Personality 2017

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2017
    Messages:
    1,143
    Likes Received:
    2,344
    First and foremost,

    I’m sure a lot of you may have read/commented on my previous thread “Exposing a Shi” which was an aggressive slander piece of the tribe Creati. Don’t get me wrong - Creati isn’t perfect; nor is any tribe - but specifically the allegations I made towards Mike (@The Jacal) and comments I made about Creati leadership and members, were both untrue & unacceptable and I’d like the chance to set the record straight. As for the reasons behind this post - I want a chance to explain the why behind my actions and to apologize to the community & Creati now that I am calm; I think you will find after reading onward, and for most of you who’ve interacted with me, that I am not the venomous monster I portrayed myself as on “Exposing a Shi” but rather just a regular guy with his own problems who sometimes is unable to contain his emotions and like any human; makes mistakes. :oops:

    Now before I go on I just wanna say that I am writing truly from the heart here & exposing a good chunk of my soul to you all here. I’m not asking for sympathy - but I would appreciate your respect & understanding regarding this whole ordeal in the hopes that at least with some of you, amends can be made. I guess I’m also asking the rest of you not to mock/belittle me for it as parts of this are rather hard for me to share. I’d like to explain some background about me before being in Creati & before W97 began. I bonded with quite a bit of the current core group of Creati players on W80 playing in Ben towards the latter stages of the world. I would really prefer to not bring up that world up because it really makes me sad to think of - but it was during my brief time at the end of W80 that I really gained a deep respect for the players of Ben, who had just really pulled off an inspiring & spectacular comeback. In my eyes they were fighting for what was right (although I know they didn’t see it quite the same way) and to me it was the greatest honour to be given the chance to play alongside many of them again on a future world; which just so happened to be this one.

    Before I continue on explaining the beginnings of this world, I have to digress a few ‘secrets’ about myself that I’ve been keeping from the majority of the TW community & my tribe. Now one thing that is no secret to anyone who knows me - is that I have an addictive personality …. this extends past TW into naughty things (alcohol, drugs) and it’s something that I’ve struggled with immensely over the better part of the past four years. What brought this on you ask? I wish I could tell you; hell I wish I could tell myself or a doctor could tell me; but it’s not that simple…. I’ve seen more doctors and specialists than I can count and have had a pretty despite trying different combos of doctors & trying cocktails of different prescription medications over the past 2 years and yielded minimal progress; hell if anything I digressed….. especially during 2016 & the early portions of last year. When I first began to see doctors & psychiatrists I was diagnosed initially with depression, anxiety & insomnia and frankly didn’t take these very seriously although I should have. Here we have kind of a “who came first the chicken or the egg” type question when referring to my addiction & mental health issues comorbidity. I honestly don’t remember which came first at this point but I & my doctor have noticed they overlap quite a bit. What followed these diagnosises was a downward spiral of self medication & a series of seriously traumatic & unfortunate events that left me absolutely emotionally & physically exhausted and is the reason for why I didn’t play TW during late 2016/ early 2017 period. Really just couldn’t. Now my diagnoses would periodically change slightly as I saw more specialists & different doctors (I was thought to have OCD at one point - but upon second and third opinion my doctor decided I did not have OCD) - but most recently and seriously; I was diagnosed with bipolar (II) disorder in October 2017. Initially I was irate and felt condemned to death; the personal stigma I carried around my own ailment, in addition to my anxiety had me really beating myself up & prevented me from telling anyone when initially diagnosed. Having prior to this been in a “hypomanic” state - I fell into a deeeeep depressive episode after my diagnosis. Overwhelmed by emotions I withdrew firmly from real life as I felt shame for my disorder and felt (unrealistically) under constant scrutiny & fear of ridicule for my mental state. My regular GP doctor however has been a saint - she’s contacted psychiatrists galore and has worked weekly with me since my diagnosis in October to try to get me stable on medication.

    But there have been setbacks as expected which have resulted in me occasionally outbursting. Initially I settled upon telling my coplayers on W97 about my diagnosis as they deserved to know and because they were who got to see my emotions first hand. My cos were very understanding but granted I was very difficult to work with and my expectations were sky high. See above where I mentioned I felt honoured to play alongside Mike, Thom and their crew - I also wanted to impress. I think because of the silence behind my issues a lot of people just kind of assumed I was a bad, inactive player because of w80 but I was determined to prove them wrong. I did start w97 with a bang - and I don’t think anyone from Creati will dispute that I was really putting in substantial time and energy at startup. This resulted in my first clash with council - which was an overreaction on my part to the delegation of an internal deep in my farming zone to a tribemate. I went off the rails as I had been in a manic state farming for the better part of a week straight with minimal sleep (~4hrs a night) and couldn’t control my emotions. This was actual a pivotal moment in Creati for me, as it was when Mike noticed something was “off.” He approached me privately, respectfully and calmly and asked what was up. I broke down and explained it to him, feeling like absolute shit about myself the whole time (as I did anytime I had to tell anyone about my diagnosis) but he was actually beyond understanding. For those of you who read this section of mike’s post: https://prnt.sc/iujy78 …. that is why this kinship formed. For a while things went well (at least in my opinion) save till about two weeks ago. I was having a really rough time for reasons I unfortunately do not wish to get into right now & also in the process of changing medication and thus was off mood stabilizers. I got into an argument with leadership over potential recruitment, which was stupid. The most idiotic thing - was the fact that Mike actually assured me that the recruitment wasn’t gonna happen; but some miscommunication/something happened which delayed Thom responding to me; who to be fair was more cryptic and less upfront about it, but still I again flew off the rails this time really for nothing & hit delete :S That is when I guess council had had enough. I can’t comment on what happened among council - but they agreed that I could stay in the tribe under the condition that the email was “held in limbo.” Not accusing anyone of any rule-breaking here whatsoever BTW; I agreed to it because I had grown to love Creati as like a second family and I couldn’t fathom losing it.

    Since then; things have been very up/down rapidly …. I’ve been in control, then out of control, then in control again only to fly off the rails once again. This most recent manic state; which has fairly sparked my demise; has been one of my most explosive episodes to date to be fair. It started to blow when some tribemates and my coplayer began exchanging friendly banter over farming; to which a friendly challenge was created ;) My coplayer James suggested bringing in a new co the same night (unrelated); who I agreed to let on; and who promised to farm hourly for the contest. Anyhow - When I awoke ~9 hrs later and found I was the last one to send farm runs; I was not a happy camper. I began to get angry with my cos for not farming & sensing an explosion incoming; tried to withdraw from the situation. One thing that my co and I had agreed was that if I needed some space or time to cool off; I would get it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to argue (the opposite actually) but despite what some people may be spreading I have been trying really hard to treat & beat this, and a BIG step for me was being able to recognize when I’m not in the right mindset to make decisions because I am too driven by emotion; these are the situations in which I ask for space; not because Im angry - but because I am driven by emotion rather than logic in those situations. Back to this farming contest nonsense; I will admit - I said some kinda ragey things to my cos; with some cussing involved - but nothing personal; and immediately tried to withdraw from the situation before it worsened. However I instead was berated by my co who went on to mention some personal things - which made me even angrier. In the moment I went rage fuelled to Mike, Jen & Thom and asked them to remove James from chats as he wasn’t my coplayer anymore - I was told that he would be given a chance on another account in Creati; which really did not sit well with me. I went back and raged to Mike and eventually posed an ultimatum or James or myself. Mike had finally had enough and was unwilling to continue to try to reason with me; instead pointing to the door… and so filled with rage; I walked out. I walked out on my second family & fairly, Creati came to collect their account they had in limbo. Being locked out of your own account while in a manic rage….. really really doesn’t end well as I think we can all see from my last post lol. What made me extra angry about this ordeal was the fact that I wasn’t given the space I needed despite asking for it & it having been previously insured.

    Now when I got out of this most recent manic state; I had realized my gravest errors of all. And that was my mistreatment and slandering of Mike; he has always defended me & not once exposed my personal issues without asking. Now prior to this post the first thing I needed to do was to apologize to Mike - which I did privately; and while he had no reason to; he forgave me. But now I want to take this opportunity to apologize publicly to Mike because what I said was driven strictly by emotion and not reason & I won’t get into the down and dirty but I crossed lines with Mike that were not okay to cross & immediately regretted my actions. As most who’ve clashed with me in the past will find; I’m not irrational all the time (in control most of the time actually) and when I am in the wrong I am not afraid to man up and apologize for it. So once again Mike; I’m sorry man, you looked after me like a brother and I treated you like this… I feel sick thinking of it still. :/

    Finally I want to address my post again; I want everyone to understand that I was extremely driven by emotion while making that post and deeply regret quite a bit of what I said. To the regular Creati members - I had no reason to drag you guys into this at all; I have no excuse for my actions as they were deplorable & untrue comments about unrelated parties to this issue. I also want to apologize for my further replies to that thread. I believe it was Tory who so beautifully pointed it out - how I had just insulted the tribe that “turned on me” - and he was completely right. I felt like council had turned on me and lashed out at you guys and them in a fit of rage. I can’t take back the comments I said; but I can apologize to you all sincerely for slandering you. I would be remiss if I didn’t properly apologize to my old tribe for mistreating them so grossly. Once again Creati I am sorry for my recent actions - I hope you understand a bit more where I am coming from after reading this and realize why Creati was so important to me.

    That is all I have to say - I want to make a point of saying this isn't some ploy to get back into Creati rather I've realized I've wronged and slandered many good friends and tribemates unfairly and honestly I am deeply sorry & truly regret my actions. I am extremely disgusted with my recent behaviour towards you all & I truly wish you guys and gals the best of luck in real life, on this world and on all future ones; you are some of the finest folk I've enjoyed playing TW with and there was not an ounce of truth in my previous post slandering the Troob :)

    Believe me or not; I've always loved the Troob & always will; and it's why I am not going to leave my final words to you all being from that silly rage thread. I'm so sorry for the things I said; I'm sorry for the things I've done & for the drama caused by me - I know everyone has their own issues; and again I'm not using mine as an excuse for my actions; I simply wanted to apologize to Creati as a whole & to offer an explanation into my moodiness :oops:

    All the best W97! :D

    Sincerely,
    Chris :)
     
  2. Novembre

    Novembre Forum Personality 2016

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2015
    Messages:
    453
    Likes Received:
    1,109
    Good luck to you mate, have some rest and come back recharged for W100, it is going to be epic, would be great to have you in game and on externals!!
     
    Fleezus Clyde likes this.
  3. atmospherecf

    atmospherecf Tribe Mate of the Year 2016

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    1,272
    Likes Received:
    218
    I'm going to miss your external posts. You made this world fun for all of us.
     
    Fleezus Clyde likes this.
  4. In my casual reading, I've come across as gem.

    How am I not surprised about any of this given your actions in the past?

    A while back, I said in a post to you that everything you post is a facade, a front in order to get poster of the year, attention and validation from the community. The poster who shouted others down constantly in the past, the player who personally insulted and shouted at others internally within the tribe, the bully. I do not know Chris, but this is and has always been the real Fleezus Clyde from someone who has had the displeasure of sharing a tribe with him. I'm glad to see it back on show.

    Turns out that as I've always known, he who likes to dish it out cannot take it back in return.

    Heres the thing, I've had a good idea about your issues for ages, through pretty much all but our very first disagreement. Some of the things you've said about me behind my back because I had the gall to call you up and not give you an inch of sympathy on the publics are just frankly pathetic. I don't bring them here or anywhere, nor ever have. To me, you've always just been a mediocre poster trying desperately hard to get attention and I treat you that way. Even this post is just another cry for attention.

    Having mental issues is not an excuse to how you treat other people. I imagine if you knew about my issues, they'd be on the public forums because that's what you are like. You talk about others using what they know about you as a person as a stick to beat you with, yet at least in Screw (unless you changed which I doubt), you also did exactly the same to others on a regular basis. This is why I went quite far out of my way, doing my duty as a tribe member, to try make sure you were not part of the Obey roster. This wasn't one of those ultimatums that you often like to do. I'd have played with you again if need be. It was just advice to Nest which, in combination with concerns from a few other players, he took on board. This in turn caused your antagonism towards Obey and the vitriol you've posted about them is also embarrassing and whilst no tribe is perfect, they are undeserving of the words you've said about them and in particular Nest in the forums and in chats.

    I hope you can get over whatever issues you have in your life. I genuinely mean this to anyone who has to go through these sort of things as it's not a good place to be.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2018
  5. Mintyfresh

    Mintyfresh Skilled Soldier 2018

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    881
    Likes Received:
    1,029
    Damn man way to kick a man when he's down. Gloating about 'being right' is pretty poor showing
     
  6. I am not his friend, I have no sympathy for his actions. To put it simply, some of the things mentioned by Creati about him happened to me and others in Screw. Unless you are one of those who thinks everybody should be above criticism for their actions because they have made excuses for themselves.

    I honestly had not read the W97 forums until today, otherwise I would have said exactly what I said above earlier on. If I wanted to properly kick Clyde whilst he was down, you'd know. What I've said above is really just a tip of a very large iceberg and is pretty much only agreeing with what others have said earlier rather than adding anything new which I could easily do.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2018
  7. Sinful Angel

    Sinful Angel Contributing Poster

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2015
    Messages:
    1,002
    Likes Received:
    703
    Coming and gloating when someone is humbly offering their apology to others? Not ok..
     
    PorkSword likes this.
  8. anantrocks

    anantrocks Non-stop Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2011
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    55
    In my school days one of my teachers use to say this quote very frequently so I thought I should post it here ,
    " SORRY DOESN'T MAKE A DEAD MAN ALIVE "
     
  9. Mintyfresh

    Mintyfresh Skilled Soldier 2018

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    881
    Likes Received:
    1,029
    Nobody died you gimp. I think we can 'all' overlook some heated words on a forum for an internet game holy shit
     
  10. sidd 271

    sidd 271 Contributing Poster

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2010
    Messages:
    4,007
    Likes Received:
    188
    I co played dvbbs in early w97. FC is a nice guy but sometimes get too serious in the game. I got kicked once from the account for being casual:p and remember FC was mad at James cos James is a party animal
     
    Fleezus Clyde likes this.
  11. Sinful Angel

    Sinful Angel Contributing Poster

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2015
    Messages:
    1,002
    Likes Received:
    703
    Other James not me Sidd
     
    Fleezus Clyde likes this.
  12. Fleezus Clyde

    Fleezus Clyde Forum Personality 2017

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2017
    Messages:
    1,143
    Likes Received:
    2,344
    I was very close to not posting this thread for fear of getting replies like some of the above. I will not rise to anger in reply to some of the above; think we can all guess who. But for someone who doesn't really know a thing about me or this world to come and slander me here when all I wanted to do was apologize to my former tribemates is not cool. But if you think for a second that if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be here rubbing it in your face and gloating you know me a lot less well than you think you do.

    The other day I made an erratic public outburst - so I made a public apology; quid pro quo If you will... And If you think that this post was anything but an apology than I guess you didn't really read or understand what I was trying to convey nor do you know me well personally at all.

    I was not offering my mental issues as an excuse for my actions, I still standby my actions albiet shamefully. I was merely offering an explanation to Creati as to why I did what I did & why I acted how I did - in addition to my apology.

    I just wanted all of creati to know that I'm truly and deeply sorry for how I acted & to understand abit of the background between myself, my mental health & council. Furthermore there was a bit of a personal reason for posting... a "coming out" bipolar party if you will... It's something I kept hidden from a lot of people out of shame; but no longer. I am not ashamed of who I am anymore, I understand some of my faults & I constantly work to improve them but I'm only human and know things don't fix themselves overnight.

    No, you're right, my mental illnesses are not an excuse for my actions, but they are present & severely affect my daily life both in and out of TW and to ignore them just isn't fair. Frankly furthermore I'm tired of hating myself and condemning myself to silence for something I don't have control over & it's about time I own up to it because I can't hide it anymore & I don't want to hide who I am because this is something that affects how I act.

    I know i have gotten a bit derailed here as the point that should stick isn't my mental health but rather the main point of this post was to apologize to Creati for my slander/actions; of which I don't offer an excuse for posting; merely an apology & explanation.

    Anyhow all I can do now is hope the post above is read by those who felt wronged/betrayed (fairly so) by me; and hope that atleast some of you are willing to forgive or atleast understand some of my past actions. One final time I want to truly and sincerely apologize for my deplorable behaviour towards the troob. I hope you can see my apology was written from the heart & that I am indeed deeply ashamed of and sorry for my recent actions.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2018
    PorkSword, Krapek and Novembre like this.
  13. For someone who believes his apology is sincere, I can see you thinking my post is just gloating and kicking him whilst he's down and coming across like a dick. I however do not think the same way. That is all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2018
    Celaethon likes this.
  14. The Black Hole

    The Black Hole Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2017
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    67
    I'm totally not reading all of this right now because I'm busy at work but I just wanted to say I <3 you Chris.
     
    Tokahontas and Fleezus Clyde like this.
  15. PorkSword

    PorkSword Non-stop Poster

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2017
    Messages:
    226
    Likes Received:
    145
    I am the James in question and I was not thinking clearly either. I had some major IRL deadlines and told Chris a few days prior i was prioritisng them. I should have reminded him on the night so thats on me. And looking back it seems I was looking for somewhere to vent, so that's also on me. Chris did say some ragey things but I made the decision to rise to them. Having pword changed properly set me off and we both said shit we weren't proud of. I have apologised to Chris and we have had a long chat. We are good friends and both of us regret that this happened. To be honest we spent more time trying to take all the blame than we did talking about what happened... :oops:

    Chris is a nice guy and I regret this whole situation. Sorry Chris and sorry Creati. Nothing was intended personally and we will be keeping in touch. I can't hold a grudge and forgave him within hours of the incident. I am blessed that he has chosen to forgive me too. Chris, you have us all rooting for you in regards to taking on your mental issues and coming out on top :D If you focus on it as hard as you farm then they don't stand a chance.

    You're a great guy Chris, all the best :) :p
     
  16. Michael Corleone.

    Michael Corleone. Part of the Furniture

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2009
    Messages:
    5,140
    Likes Received:
    1,089
    I am not shocked, the guy clearly has zero social skills outside of Tribal Wars.

    ------------

    Good luck with dealing with all of that Chris. I was an alcoholic too, you just need to find healthier outlets to put that energy and time into. Yeah, there were a few times you'd mock me about my newfound love for the gym and working out (i took it as bants always) but its seriously a healthy outlet to put that energy into. I am not gonna sit here and say "stop doing this this and that" cause at the end of the day its your life to live and I don't tell people how to live their life. I just hope you can get better soon.
     
  17. Samuel4699

    Samuel4699 In-Game Staff Tribal Wars Team Team

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2014
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    300
    I hope everything turns out good for you.
    I've only seen good and well written posts from you. You've clearly kept the externals interesting and from dying here in the W97 section.

    I do not know you personally but you should know that many people really appreciate your hardwork and dedication on the externals, feel proud of yourself.

    As always, real life and friendships are more important than this stupid game that just makes the time pass.
     
  18. Fleezus Clyde

    Fleezus Clyde Forum Personality 2017

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2017
    Messages:
    1,143
    Likes Received:
    2,344
    Now I don’t want to draw anymore unnecessary attention to this topic as I’d rather promote other posts on the forum but I do have some final things to say on this topic so I’m going to get them out in the air now.

    Firstly I wanna thank those of you who despite my appalling actions, have remained by my side as my friend through this nonsense; you guys had no reason too & have been extremely supportive in the last few days & truly I don’t know where I’d be without you <3 You all know who you are & I want you to know that your level of loyalty is what I aspire to achieve on a personal level. Many of you have served as mentors (in addition to being friends) to me in recent days & I truly appreciate the time and energy you’ve taken out of your personal lives to help better mine. :)

    Secondly, the support from the TW community, from all corners, has been overwhelming & heartwarming to say the least. I truly do appreciate all of you who took the time to message me in the aftermath of this mess I made & I want you to know you’ve helped me form a new outlook for life and TW and I truly feel a better man moving forward from this situation.

    Thirdly, I wanna thank the troob council for putting up with me for as long as they did & giving me the chance they did. I hope you all know that while my previous thread was nothing but farcical slander, every word I’ve said here is the truth. I really am sorry guys :(

    James (@PorkSword ) I am ridiculously sorry as to how this played out as well bruv <3 I mean you’ve said it above pretty much bang on how things happen & I’m ecstatic you were able to forgive me for my churlish actions. I’m not gonna whip a dead horse here because I know amends have been made between us privately but I want you to know I’m still sorry man and I look forward to learning PUBG under your wing….. and I hope you let me win a few rounds k? :p ;)
    Laura (@The Black Hole ) <3 <3 <3 I’m sorry to have drawn you into this luv <3 <3 <3 You have been nothing but supportive to me behind the scenes for quite a while now & I had no right or reason to mention you and what I’m most ashamed of about this situation is how I treated & lashed out at my good friends like you. I’m so glad it’s all love sista & I’ve readded you to skype so please keep in touch. <3

    To address those of you who felt my apology wasn’t genuine I’m sorry you feel that way - I can’t change your opinions nor do I wish to try; but I can only say that those who truly know me, know that I only apologize when I truly mean it; and in this instance I truly was and am deeply ashamed of my actions and extremely sorry for my slanderous mistreatment of you all. Regardless of what any of you choose to believe; I personally feel I have grown as a person from this & that going forward I will be able to make better decisions and avoid some of the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. I hope that this personal growth with translate into making better decisions in both my life & TW in the future. :D

    Finally, to those of you I insulted wrongly that are still angry with me - I totally understand your perspective & I do not hold it against you in the slightest. I was bang out of order & I have no excuses; I can only hope that over time you are able to see the changes in me and that in the future you are willing to give me another chance. As I grow older - I’ve realized that I’d much rather have more friends than enemies. The amount of energy and effort I have spent in the past over petty shit is ridiculous and it never hurts to have a good hard look in the mirror at yourself and make some changes for the better. I can understand why some of may feel I’ve not changed/nor can change; but personally I don’t think that even a month ago I would have apologized like I did above nor shared some of those aspects of my life publicly. I hope you can see that I am always striving to change for the better & that while sometimes I fall backwards; I’m constantly moving forward and trying to improve my faults.

    I sincerely wish you guys nothing but the best W97, and I hope that in the future circumstances will be better. To anyone I deleted off skype in anger that wishes to speak with me; I understand there is a problem with sending a message even though I want you to know I haven’t blocked you; so please message me here on the forums & I will gleefully readd you and we can talk if that’s what you’d like; otherwise I totally understand and will respect your space. :) One final time I will reiterate, I’m so sorry for my actions troob, I have no excuses & truly feel despicable about how I acted and treated you. I want you guys to know I’ll be rooting for you all along the way & that any of you are welcome to contact me to play together in the future :)
     
    xabbadonx, PorkSword, Vuke and 8 others like this.
  19. War Hamster

    War Hamster Still Going Strong

    Joined:
    May 28, 2011
    Messages:
    758
    Likes Received:
    27
    Get better Fleez. I expect to see you again to extract at least a small measure of revenge for w80, so don't keep me or your friends hanging. And please don't forget the spear nuke.
     
    Fleezus Clyde likes this.
  20. Michael Corleone.

    Michael Corleone. Part of the Furniture

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2009
    Messages:
    5,140
    Likes Received:
    1,089
    Have you been plotting and mapping out your revenge in your basement since W80 concluded?

    How many pies of pizza have you scarfed down since? easily more then the amount of vills you capped last summer.
     
    Mintyfresh likes this.