Fleezus Clyde
Forum Personality 2017
- Reaction score
- 2,965
First and foremost,
I’m sure a lot of you may have read/commented on my previous thread “Exposing a Shi” which was an aggressive slander piece of the tribe Creati. Don’t get me wrong - Creati isn’t perfect; nor is any tribe - but specifically the allegations I made towards Mike (@The Jacal) and comments I made about Creati leadership and members, were both untrue & unacceptable and I’d like the chance to set the record straight. As for the reasons behind this post - I want a chance to explain the why behind my actions and to apologize to the community & Creati now that I am calm; I think you will find after reading onward, and for most of you who’ve interacted with me, that I am not the venomous monster I portrayed myself as on “Exposing a Shi” but rather just a regular guy with his own problems who sometimes is unable to contain his emotions and like any human; makes mistakes.
Now before I go on I just wanna say that I am writing truly from the heart here & exposing a good chunk of my soul to you all here. I’m not asking for sympathy - but I would appreciate your respect & understanding regarding this whole ordeal in the hopes that at least with some of you, amends can be made. I guess I’m also asking the rest of you not to mock/belittle me for it as parts of this are rather hard for me to share. I’d like to explain some background about me before being in Creati & before W97 began. I bonded with quite a bit of the current core group of Creati players on W80 playing in Ben towards the latter stages of the world. I would really prefer to not bring up that world up because it really makes me sad to think of - but it was during my brief time at the end of W80 that I really gained a deep respect for the players of Ben, who had just really pulled off an inspiring & spectacular comeback. In my eyes they were fighting for what was right (although I know they didn’t see it quite the same way) and to me it was the greatest honour to be given the chance to play alongside many of them again on a future world; which just so happened to be this one.
Before I continue on explaining the beginnings of this world, I have to digress a few ‘secrets’ about myself that I’ve been keeping from the majority of the TW community & my tribe. Now one thing that is no secret to anyone who knows me - is that I have an addictive personality …. this extends past TW into naughty things (alcohol, drugs) and it’s something that I’ve struggled with immensely over the better part of the past four years. What brought this on you ask? I wish I could tell you; hell I wish I could tell myself or a doctor could tell me; but it’s not that simple…. I’ve seen more doctors and specialists than I can count and have had a pretty despite trying different combos of doctors & trying cocktails of different prescription medications over the past 2 years and yielded minimal progress; hell if anything I digressed….. especially during 2016 & the early portions of last year. When I first began to see doctors & psychiatrists I was diagnosed initially with depression, anxiety & insomnia and frankly didn’t take these very seriously although I should have. Here we have kind of a “who came first the chicken or the egg” type question when referring to my addiction & mental health issues comorbidity. I honestly don’t remember which came first at this point but I & my doctor have noticed they overlap quite a bit. What followed these diagnosises was a downward spiral of self medication & a series of seriously traumatic & unfortunate events that left me absolutely emotionally & physically exhausted and is the reason for why I didn’t play TW during late 2016/ early 2017 period. Really just couldn’t. Now my diagnoses would periodically change slightly as I saw more specialists & different doctors (I was thought to have OCD at one point - but upon second and third opinion my doctor decided I did not have OCD) - but most recently and seriously; I was diagnosed with bipolar (II) disorder in October 2017. Initially I was irate and felt condemned to death; the personal stigma I carried around my own ailment, in addition to my anxiety had me really beating myself up & prevented me from telling anyone when initially diagnosed. Having prior to this been in a “hypomanic” state - I fell into a deeeeep depressive episode after my diagnosis. Overwhelmed by emotions I withdrew firmly from real life as I felt shame for my disorder and felt (unrealistically) under constant scrutiny & fear of ridicule for my mental state. My regular GP doctor however has been a saint - she’s contacted psychiatrists galore and has worked weekly with me since my diagnosis in October to try to get me stable on medication.
But there have been setbacks as expected which have resulted in me occasionally outbursting. Initially I settled upon telling my coplayers on W97 about my diagnosis as they deserved to know and because they were who got to see my emotions first hand. My cos were very understanding but granted I was very difficult to work with and my expectations were sky high. See above where I mentioned I felt honoured to play alongside Mike, Thom and their crew - I also wanted to impress. I think because of the silence behind my issues a lot of people just kind of assumed I was a bad, inactive player because of w80 but I was determined to prove them wrong. I did start w97 with a bang - and I don’t think anyone from Creati will dispute that I was really putting in substantial time and energy at startup. This resulted in my first clash with council - which was an overreaction on my part to the delegation of an internal deep in my farming zone to a tribemate. I went off the rails as I had been in a manic state farming for the better part of a week straight with minimal sleep (~4hrs a night) and couldn’t control my emotions. This was actual a pivotal moment in Creati for me, as it was when Mike noticed something was “off.” He approached me privately, respectfully and calmly and asked what was up. I broke down and explained it to him, feeling like absolute shit about myself the whole time (as I did anytime I had to tell anyone about my diagnosis) but he was actually beyond understanding. For those of you who read this section of mike’s post: https://prnt.sc/iujy78 …. that is why this kinship formed. For a while things went well (at least in my opinion) save till about two weeks ago. I was having a really rough time for reasons I unfortunately do not wish to get into right now & also in the process of changing medication and thus was off mood stabilizers. I got into an argument with leadership over potential recruitment, which was stupid. The most idiotic thing - was the fact that Mike actually assured me that the recruitment wasn’t gonna happen; but some miscommunication/something happened which delayed Thom responding to me; who to be fair was more cryptic and less upfront about it, but still I again flew off the rails this time really for nothing & hit delete :S That is when I guess council had had enough. I can’t comment on what happened among council - but they agreed that I could stay in the tribe under the condition that the email was “held in limbo.” Not accusing anyone of any rule-breaking here whatsoever BTW; I agreed to it because I had grown to love Creati as like a second family and I couldn’t fathom losing it.
Since then; things have been very up/down rapidly …. I’ve been in control, then out of control, then in control again only to fly off the rails once again. This most recent manic state; which has fairly sparked my demise; has been one of my most explosive episodes to date to be fair. It started to blow when some tribemates and my coplayer began exchanging friendly banter over farming; to which a friendly challenge was created My coplayer James suggested bringing in a new co the same night (unrelated); who I agreed to let on; and who promised to farm hourly for the contest. Anyhow - When I awoke ~9 hrs later and found I was the last one to send farm runs; I was not a happy camper. I began to get angry with my cos for not farming & sensing an explosion incoming; tried to withdraw from the situation. One thing that my co and I had agreed was that if I needed some space or time to cool off; I would get it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to argue (the opposite actually) but despite what some people may be spreading I have been trying really hard to treat & beat this, and a BIG step for me was being able to recognize when I’m not in the right mindset to make decisions because I am too driven by emotion; these are the situations in which I ask for space; not because Im angry - but because I am driven by emotion rather than logic in those situations. Back to this farming contest nonsense; I will admit - I said some kinda ragey things to my cos; with some cussing involved - but nothing personal; and immediately tried to withdraw from the situation before it worsened. However I instead was berated by my co who went on to mention some personal things - which made me even angrier. In the moment I went rage fuelled to Mike, Jen & Thom and asked them to remove James from chats as he wasn’t my coplayer anymore - I was told that he would be given a chance on another account in Creati; which really did not sit well with me. I went back and raged to Mike and eventually posed an ultimatum or James or myself. Mike had finally had enough and was unwilling to continue to try to reason with me; instead pointing to the door… and so filled with rage; I walked out. I walked out on my second family & fairly, Creati came to collect their account they had in limbo. Being locked out of your own account while in a manic rage….. really really doesn’t end well as I think we can all see from my last post lol. What made me extra angry about this ordeal was the fact that I wasn’t given the space I needed despite asking for it & it having been previously insured.
Now when I got out of this most recent manic state; I had realized my gravest errors of all. And that was my mistreatment and slandering of Mike; he has always defended me & not once exposed my personal issues without asking. Now prior to this post the first thing I needed to do was to apologize to Mike - which I did privately; and while he had no reason to; he forgave me. But now I want to take this opportunity to apologize publicly to Mike because what I said was driven strictly by emotion and not reason & I won’t get into the down and dirty but I crossed lines with Mike that were not okay to cross & immediately regretted my actions. As most who’ve clashed with me in the past will find; I’m not irrational all the time (in control most of the time actually) and when I am in the wrong I am not afraid to man up and apologize for it. So once again Mike; I’m sorry man, you looked after me like a brother and I treated you like this… I feel sick thinking of it still. :/
Finally I want to address my post again; I want everyone to understand that I was extremely driven by emotion while making that post and deeply regret quite a bit of what I said. To the regular Creati members - I had no reason to drag you guys into this at all; I have no excuse for my actions as they were deplorable & untrue comments about unrelated parties to this issue. I also want to apologize for my further replies to that thread. I believe it was Tory who so beautifully pointed it out - how I had just insulted the tribe that “turned on me” - and he was completely right. I felt like council had turned on me and lashed out at you guys and them in a fit of rage. I can’t take back the comments I said; but I can apologize to you all sincerely for slandering you. I would be remiss if I didn’t properly apologize to my old tribe for mistreating them so grossly. Once again Creati I am sorry for my recent actions - I hope you understand a bit more where I am coming from after reading this and realize why Creati was so important to me.
That is all I have to say - I want to make a point of saying this isn't some ploy to get back into Creati rather I've realized I've wronged and slandered many good friends and tribemates unfairly and honestly I am deeply sorry & truly regret my actions. I am extremely disgusted with my recent behaviour towards you all & I truly wish you guys and gals the best of luck in real life, on this world and on all future ones; you are some of the finest folk I've enjoyed playing TW with and there was not an ounce of truth in my previous post slandering the Troob
Believe me or not; I've always loved the Troob & always will; and it's why I am not going to leave my final words to you all being from that silly rage thread. I'm so sorry for the things I said; I'm sorry for the things I've done & for the drama caused by me - I know everyone has their own issues; and again I'm not using mine as an excuse for my actions; I simply wanted to apologize to Creati as a whole & to offer an explanation into my moodiness
All the best W97!
Sincerely,
Chris
I’m sure a lot of you may have read/commented on my previous thread “Exposing a Shi” which was an aggressive slander piece of the tribe Creati. Don’t get me wrong - Creati isn’t perfect; nor is any tribe - but specifically the allegations I made towards Mike (@The Jacal) and comments I made about Creati leadership and members, were both untrue & unacceptable and I’d like the chance to set the record straight. As for the reasons behind this post - I want a chance to explain the why behind my actions and to apologize to the community & Creati now that I am calm; I think you will find after reading onward, and for most of you who’ve interacted with me, that I am not the venomous monster I portrayed myself as on “Exposing a Shi” but rather just a regular guy with his own problems who sometimes is unable to contain his emotions and like any human; makes mistakes.
Now before I go on I just wanna say that I am writing truly from the heart here & exposing a good chunk of my soul to you all here. I’m not asking for sympathy - but I would appreciate your respect & understanding regarding this whole ordeal in the hopes that at least with some of you, amends can be made. I guess I’m also asking the rest of you not to mock/belittle me for it as parts of this are rather hard for me to share. I’d like to explain some background about me before being in Creati & before W97 began. I bonded with quite a bit of the current core group of Creati players on W80 playing in Ben towards the latter stages of the world. I would really prefer to not bring up that world up because it really makes me sad to think of - but it was during my brief time at the end of W80 that I really gained a deep respect for the players of Ben, who had just really pulled off an inspiring & spectacular comeback. In my eyes they were fighting for what was right (although I know they didn’t see it quite the same way) and to me it was the greatest honour to be given the chance to play alongside many of them again on a future world; which just so happened to be this one.
Before I continue on explaining the beginnings of this world, I have to digress a few ‘secrets’ about myself that I’ve been keeping from the majority of the TW community & my tribe. Now one thing that is no secret to anyone who knows me - is that I have an addictive personality …. this extends past TW into naughty things (alcohol, drugs) and it’s something that I’ve struggled with immensely over the better part of the past four years. What brought this on you ask? I wish I could tell you; hell I wish I could tell myself or a doctor could tell me; but it’s not that simple…. I’ve seen more doctors and specialists than I can count and have had a pretty despite trying different combos of doctors & trying cocktails of different prescription medications over the past 2 years and yielded minimal progress; hell if anything I digressed….. especially during 2016 & the early portions of last year. When I first began to see doctors & psychiatrists I was diagnosed initially with depression, anxiety & insomnia and frankly didn’t take these very seriously although I should have. Here we have kind of a “who came first the chicken or the egg” type question when referring to my addiction & mental health issues comorbidity. I honestly don’t remember which came first at this point but I & my doctor have noticed they overlap quite a bit. What followed these diagnosises was a downward spiral of self medication & a series of seriously traumatic & unfortunate events that left me absolutely emotionally & physically exhausted and is the reason for why I didn’t play TW during late 2016/ early 2017 period. Really just couldn’t. Now my diagnoses would periodically change slightly as I saw more specialists & different doctors (I was thought to have OCD at one point - but upon second and third opinion my doctor decided I did not have OCD) - but most recently and seriously; I was diagnosed with bipolar (II) disorder in October 2017. Initially I was irate and felt condemned to death; the personal stigma I carried around my own ailment, in addition to my anxiety had me really beating myself up & prevented me from telling anyone when initially diagnosed. Having prior to this been in a “hypomanic” state - I fell into a deeeeep depressive episode after my diagnosis. Overwhelmed by emotions I withdrew firmly from real life as I felt shame for my disorder and felt (unrealistically) under constant scrutiny & fear of ridicule for my mental state. My regular GP doctor however has been a saint - she’s contacted psychiatrists galore and has worked weekly with me since my diagnosis in October to try to get me stable on medication.
But there have been setbacks as expected which have resulted in me occasionally outbursting. Initially I settled upon telling my coplayers on W97 about my diagnosis as they deserved to know and because they were who got to see my emotions first hand. My cos were very understanding but granted I was very difficult to work with and my expectations were sky high. See above where I mentioned I felt honoured to play alongside Mike, Thom and their crew - I also wanted to impress. I think because of the silence behind my issues a lot of people just kind of assumed I was a bad, inactive player because of w80 but I was determined to prove them wrong. I did start w97 with a bang - and I don’t think anyone from Creati will dispute that I was really putting in substantial time and energy at startup. This resulted in my first clash with council - which was an overreaction on my part to the delegation of an internal deep in my farming zone to a tribemate. I went off the rails as I had been in a manic state farming for the better part of a week straight with minimal sleep (~4hrs a night) and couldn’t control my emotions. This was actual a pivotal moment in Creati for me, as it was when Mike noticed something was “off.” He approached me privately, respectfully and calmly and asked what was up. I broke down and explained it to him, feeling like absolute shit about myself the whole time (as I did anytime I had to tell anyone about my diagnosis) but he was actually beyond understanding. For those of you who read this section of mike’s post: https://prnt.sc/iujy78 …. that is why this kinship formed. For a while things went well (at least in my opinion) save till about two weeks ago. I was having a really rough time for reasons I unfortunately do not wish to get into right now & also in the process of changing medication and thus was off mood stabilizers. I got into an argument with leadership over potential recruitment, which was stupid. The most idiotic thing - was the fact that Mike actually assured me that the recruitment wasn’t gonna happen; but some miscommunication/something happened which delayed Thom responding to me; who to be fair was more cryptic and less upfront about it, but still I again flew off the rails this time really for nothing & hit delete :S That is when I guess council had had enough. I can’t comment on what happened among council - but they agreed that I could stay in the tribe under the condition that the email was “held in limbo.” Not accusing anyone of any rule-breaking here whatsoever BTW; I agreed to it because I had grown to love Creati as like a second family and I couldn’t fathom losing it.
Since then; things have been very up/down rapidly …. I’ve been in control, then out of control, then in control again only to fly off the rails once again. This most recent manic state; which has fairly sparked my demise; has been one of my most explosive episodes to date to be fair. It started to blow when some tribemates and my coplayer began exchanging friendly banter over farming; to which a friendly challenge was created My coplayer James suggested bringing in a new co the same night (unrelated); who I agreed to let on; and who promised to farm hourly for the contest. Anyhow - When I awoke ~9 hrs later and found I was the last one to send farm runs; I was not a happy camper. I began to get angry with my cos for not farming & sensing an explosion incoming; tried to withdraw from the situation. One thing that my co and I had agreed was that if I needed some space or time to cool off; I would get it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to argue (the opposite actually) but despite what some people may be spreading I have been trying really hard to treat & beat this, and a BIG step for me was being able to recognize when I’m not in the right mindset to make decisions because I am too driven by emotion; these are the situations in which I ask for space; not because Im angry - but because I am driven by emotion rather than logic in those situations. Back to this farming contest nonsense; I will admit - I said some kinda ragey things to my cos; with some cussing involved - but nothing personal; and immediately tried to withdraw from the situation before it worsened. However I instead was berated by my co who went on to mention some personal things - which made me even angrier. In the moment I went rage fuelled to Mike, Jen & Thom and asked them to remove James from chats as he wasn’t my coplayer anymore - I was told that he would be given a chance on another account in Creati; which really did not sit well with me. I went back and raged to Mike and eventually posed an ultimatum or James or myself. Mike had finally had enough and was unwilling to continue to try to reason with me; instead pointing to the door… and so filled with rage; I walked out. I walked out on my second family & fairly, Creati came to collect their account they had in limbo. Being locked out of your own account while in a manic rage….. really really doesn’t end well as I think we can all see from my last post lol. What made me extra angry about this ordeal was the fact that I wasn’t given the space I needed despite asking for it & it having been previously insured.
Now when I got out of this most recent manic state; I had realized my gravest errors of all. And that was my mistreatment and slandering of Mike; he has always defended me & not once exposed my personal issues without asking. Now prior to this post the first thing I needed to do was to apologize to Mike - which I did privately; and while he had no reason to; he forgave me. But now I want to take this opportunity to apologize publicly to Mike because what I said was driven strictly by emotion and not reason & I won’t get into the down and dirty but I crossed lines with Mike that were not okay to cross & immediately regretted my actions. As most who’ve clashed with me in the past will find; I’m not irrational all the time (in control most of the time actually) and when I am in the wrong I am not afraid to man up and apologize for it. So once again Mike; I’m sorry man, you looked after me like a brother and I treated you like this… I feel sick thinking of it still. :/
Finally I want to address my post again; I want everyone to understand that I was extremely driven by emotion while making that post and deeply regret quite a bit of what I said. To the regular Creati members - I had no reason to drag you guys into this at all; I have no excuse for my actions as they were deplorable & untrue comments about unrelated parties to this issue. I also want to apologize for my further replies to that thread. I believe it was Tory who so beautifully pointed it out - how I had just insulted the tribe that “turned on me” - and he was completely right. I felt like council had turned on me and lashed out at you guys and them in a fit of rage. I can’t take back the comments I said; but I can apologize to you all sincerely for slandering you. I would be remiss if I didn’t properly apologize to my old tribe for mistreating them so grossly. Once again Creati I am sorry for my recent actions - I hope you understand a bit more where I am coming from after reading this and realize why Creati was so important to me.
That is all I have to say - I want to make a point of saying this isn't some ploy to get back into Creati rather I've realized I've wronged and slandered many good friends and tribemates unfairly and honestly I am deeply sorry & truly regret my actions. I am extremely disgusted with my recent behaviour towards you all & I truly wish you guys and gals the best of luck in real life, on this world and on all future ones; you are some of the finest folk I've enjoyed playing TW with and there was not an ounce of truth in my previous post slandering the Troob
Believe me or not; I've always loved the Troob & always will; and it's why I am not going to leave my final words to you all being from that silly rage thread. I'm so sorry for the things I said; I'm sorry for the things I've done & for the drama caused by me - I know everyone has their own issues; and again I'm not using mine as an excuse for my actions; I simply wanted to apologize to Creati as a whole & to offer an explanation into my moodiness
All the best W97!
Sincerely,
Chris