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Good evening, I’m Ron Burgundy, and here’s a special news report coming live from World 81. Recently, as we all know, tensions have been heating up. It’s hell out there, a full on war. Gunethon and his goons vs a union of wolves. As an esteemed anchorman, I will bring to you the truth. World 81, you deserve it. I will do what God put an anchorman on this green earth to do; have great hair and report the news.
Let’s begin by going over to Brian Fantana, who is currently located in continent 54. Brian, how is it looking over there?
Well, Ron. I have to say, other than stepping in cow shit every other step, pretty uneventful. Plenty of incomings heading over to the lifeless clown, but nothing seems too worrisome. It’s a feeble attempt if you ask me. In the green pastures, I believe the cows have the upper hand. Luck is certainly not running out for these heifers.
Yeah. I guess you could say they made a real misteak beefing with this cow. But I've herd enough of the cows for now, tell me what's going on in the tribe lacking luck? I have heard talk of a few of their members splitting off and forming their own 3 man tribe?
It's true, Ron, they call themselves 'Better off Alone', and I have to say, I am rooting for this tribe, but perhaps I'm biased. What a shot to LRO's leaders, right in the nether regions. I mean, what kind of tribe members get so fed up that they have to form their own tribe, knowing it means they most likely get rimmed. Seems like there are some obvious flaws in leadership over there. Which is why I'm still team Alex, Ron.
Yes, yes, you're right, Brian. In addition to your story it looks as if we're getting something sent in by a viewer now. It seems to be a statement by one of the former LRO players.
Left out of the loop. Blasphemy. Now I can't speak for myself, but I know for a fact you measure your cock, Brian. Tell me, what are your thoughts on this statement?
You definitely got that right, Ron. Every day, it's part of the morning ritual. Right after I apply the Black Panther cologne, I measure my cock. Eight and a half inches. Seriously though, I believe this to be perfectly logical reasoning. My last wife left me because my cock measuring rituals got in the way. She used to tell me, "Brian, you love your cock more than you love me." She was right.
That Black Panther smells like pure gasoline. Now enough about the luck runners, let's hear about the other tribe, Queso, I think it's called?
I don't know about you, Ron, but I'm more of a salsa guy. I don't really have much to say about them, I think this picture we gathered speaks for itself.
This man runs from bullets, so you know he speaks the truth.
Running from bullets is no easy task. Thank you for the absolutely fantastic field report, Brian.
Now let's turn our attention to Champ Kind, currently located in continent 44. Let's hear it, Champ, hows the situation with the man who runs from bullets?
WHAMMY! Another internal! I tell ya, Ron, this guy changes his profile almost as much as he eats internals. WHAMMY! Another one! You know what they call goats? Chicken of the west. Greatest of all time? He should change it to G.A.I.N.S. Good At Internaling Naive Sidekicks. I mean, come on. I think someone needs to tell this guy which war he’s fighting. Someone change the war statistics to account for Bullet’s caps on his own tribe, I’d think he’d beat out everyone in the Union of the Wolves by a longshot. WHAMMY
You sure knocked that one out of the park. Now, enough about LRO in 44, let's hear about the Union of the Wolves this fine night.
Last night? Oh no. Well, last night, I stayed home for awhile, drank about six bottles of white wine, pissed my pants, so I drove down to Mexico, and shot some stray dogs. You know, pretty much the standard Tuesday night.
No, this night, Champ, what's going on in continent 44 this night. Nobody wants to know about what you did last night.
Ah, right. Sorry, Ron. Just had a crazy night, I think I'm still drunk. I woke up in this Japanese family's rec-room and they would NOT stop screaming. Whammy. What a crazy night. Anyways, on the east end of continent 44, we see a white power ranger kicking some ass. WHAMMY! He just keeps smashing them. He's not even outrunning those bullets, he's pulling some matrix shit and stopping them mid air. WHAMMY!
And how about the southern end of the continent, Champ, what's going on there?
Right, so on the southern end we have a few LRO players trying to desperate grab a foothold while the wolves gobble up the rest of Lucifer. The map is a mess down here, like that one time I took Dorothy Mantooth out to a nice seafood dinner. She may seem like a well put together lady, but I'm telling you, downstairs, a complete mess.
Thank you for that image, Champ.
Let's move on to Brick, whom is stationed just outside the turtle shells of BESERK. How are things looking, Brick?
Thank you, Ron, and let me just say, happy St. Patricks day to all our Native American friends. You know, it's not looking to well over here. I have been searching all day and have still yet to find the bird I was looking for. I did find a wolf to ride on though. LOOK AT MEEE
That's a bear, Brick, and I wouldn't advise chasing a bird again, you may end up in Hawaii. I want to know what's going on with BESERK, Brick.
Ahahahahaha. Well Ron, I don't know much about astrophysics, but these turtle shells are HARD. When I was a bounty hunter in Hawaii, I used to help turtles cross the road ALL the time. I would name them, too.
That's great, Brick, but let's not get too off topic here. Tell me what you think about the BESERK situation. I want to hear what is going on in the mind of Brick.
Well, Ron, I have a lot of experience with both wolves and turtles. To my knowledge, a turtle can hide in it's shell, but it has to come out sooner or later. The wolves will just sit and wait until that happens. It's inevitable, Ron, the turtles will become food for the wolves.
Zwild seemed to have an interesting approach to this, "war", tell me your thoughts on that.
Zwild is a good man, and a good player, but he seems to have fallen victim to his own hubris and his own ego. To talk about the wolves as if it does not instill a single iota of fear inside his fragile bones is a delusion. Furthermore, the wolves seem to be gaining ground more and more every day despite the morale hindrance. Statistically speaking, if the morale grounds were equal, the quality of players within Wolf Pack would heavily out weight the quality of players in BESERK. Therefore, within a few weeks time, we would see BESERK completely disappear. I believe he needs to look at the whole instead of small bits. There are pieces to the puzzle that seem to elude him, it seems Grenade Launcher's voodoo is creating highly believable illusion. So, BESERK members, keep passing your sits to Z. Let him snipe your incoming trains for you, and build up your defense, but know this, the wolves are coming, and turtle soup is on the menu.
Wow, I really don't know what to say, Brick, great job. Anything else you would like to add for the people?
I ATE A BIG RED CANDLE
Thank you, Brick. Now that concludes our news report for the night. I may not always bring you the most ineresting, or the most useful news. But if there is one thing you can bet on, it's that I will report to you the truth, and facts. Because that is what a great Anchorman should do. I'm Ron Burgundy, and you stay classy, world 81.
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