anti-jokes

Asylum Escapee

Guest
There's this conductor whose wife wanted him to make some more money, so she requests that he steal a penny for every dime that he makes. Paycheck comes and he steals a penny for every dime that he makes. Wife says "great! We're going to buy some new furniture!"

Well next week comes and the wife says "I want you to steal not one penny but two pennies for every dime that you make."
So his paycheck comes and he steals not one penny but two pennies for every dime that he makes. Wife says "Great! we're going to buy a new car!"

Well next week comes and the wife says "I want you to steal not one penny not two pennies but three pennies for every dime that you make."
So his paycheck comes and he steals not one penny not two pennies but three pennies for every dime that he makes. Wife says "Great! we're going to buy a new house!"

Well next week comes and the wife says "I want you to steal not one penny not two pennies not three pennies but four pennies for every dime that you make."
So his paycheck comes and he steals not one penny not two pennies not three pennies but four pennies for every dime that he makes. Wife says "Great! we're going to buy a yaught!"

Well next week comes and the wife says "I want you to steal not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies but five pennies for every dime that you make."
So his paycheck comes and he steals not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies but five pennies for every dime that he makes. Wife says "Great! we're going to buy a mansion!"

Well next week comes and the wife says "I want you to steal not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies but six pennies for every dime that you make."
So his paycheck comes and he steals not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies but six pennies for every dime that he makes. Wife says "Great! we're going to buy a jumbo jet!

Well next week comes and the wife says "I want you to steal not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies but seven pennies for every dime that you make."
So his paycheck comes and he steals not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies but seven pennies for every dime that he makes. Wife says "Great! we're going to buy a jumbo jet!

Three weeks later and the wife says "I want you to steal not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that you make."

At that point the police come and arrest him for stealing not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that he makes.

He goes before the circuit judge who asks him "You stand accused of stealing not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that you make," how do you plead?

"Innocent your honor!"

So the prosecution lawyer comes in, and asks tells the jury: " before you stands a man who stole not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that he made. Will you let such a crime go unpunished?

The jury hand down their verdict: The man is guilty of stealing
not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that he made.
The man is sentenced to the electric chair.

The man appeals his case to the state court. T
he prosecution lawyer comes in, and tells the jury: " before you stands a man who stole not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that he made. Will you let such a crime go unpunished?

The jury hand down their verdict: The man is guilty of stealing
not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that he made.
They again uphold the electric chair.

So the man takes it to the supreme court.
The head judge asks the others: " before you stands a man who stole not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that he made. Now he asks us to review his case.

The judges hand down their verdict: The man is guilty of stealing
not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that he made.
They uphold the death sentence.

The man personally calls president Obama to ask for a pardon. Obama says " so let me get this straight. you stole
not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that you made, and you are asking me for a pardon? Off with you!

So the man takes his court to the UN court of human rights, as he feels that death is too harsh of a penalty. The Grand Jury review the case: a man is accused of stealing
not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that he made. They find him Guilty on all charges. They believe that the death penalty is too harsh for a crime of stealing not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that one makes, but their decision is non binding.

The man is sent to death row. His cellmate asks " what are you in for buddy? Im in for beating a man to death with a shamwow.
He answers: "I stole
not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that I made"

So the man stays in death row while he is waiting to be executed. After a few years pass, the day finally comes. He is sitting in the chair. The executioner says "For you crime of stealing
not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that you made, i sentence you to death. "

So, the lever is pulled, 10000 volts run through the mans body. He dies of a heart attack, and nobody notices except for his wife and a few protesters outside the jail. His case is a fine example of what is wrong with the American legal system, and why we need change.
 

DeletedUser103064

Guest
Oh wow Asylum Escapee there's no way I can follow that one it was brilliant.


Three blondes walk into a bar,
you'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it
 

Trolololololololololol

Guest
[FONT=verdana, arial, sans-serif]Two men are standing on a rooftop.

Man 1: Do you want me to push you off?
Man 2: No.
[/FONT]
 

sidd 271

Contributing Poster
Reaction score
290
An
owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The
owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can’t talk. The
owl then eats the squirrel because it’s a bird of prey.
 

Trolololololololololol

Guest
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic, and ruining his family.
 

DeletedUser107808

Guest
Whats green and has 2 wheels ?

Grass, i lied about the wheels.
 

Trolololololololololol

Guest
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
 

DeletedUser108001

Guest
How do you make a blonde cry?

[spoil]Stab her..[/spoil]
 

Asylum Escapee

Guest
I really cant think of very many blondes who would cry if you stabbed them
 

Trolololololololololol

Guest
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
It’s your new neighbour, Sam.
Oh, well my extended family is over for dinner at the moment. Would you mind coming back later?
I suppose that would be alright.
 
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