Jokes

DeletedUser

Guest
Well, I generally love the joke threads on my tribe forums and quite honestly
it would be great for some of our serious posters on here get a laugh or two every now and then so thought id start this thread.

Id like to start it out with arguably THE BEST joke ive heard in my life presented to us by none other than SuperWolfie on another thread. <3 ya wolfie, whoever you are :icon_wink:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!
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If you people have anything better, bring it on! Make us laugh! :lol:
 

DeletedUser

Guest
Lmao, wow, i was like when am i gunna laugh then bang it hit me. Lmao love it.
 

DeletedUser

Guest
why did the orange stop halfway down the hill?

Because it ran out of juice!:lol:
 

Familiar-Enemy

Guest
SuperWolfie said:
why did the orange stop halfway down the hill?

Because it ran out of juice!:lol:
Click to expand...


I like the first one, but the second is almost as bad as........

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
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Because they taste funny.
 

DeletedUser

Guest
Familiar-Enemy said:
I like the first one, but the second is almost as bad as........

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
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Because they taste funny.
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHAHA, ok, but the next one is a long read, well we're all bored so it doesnt matter
 

DeletedUser

Guest
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
​
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Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"

.................................................................................................................

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning 'I') then pointed at his knees (meaning 'need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, 'You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.'
The other guy replied, 'I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.'


​
 

Familiar-Enemy

Guest
#1 - 10 out of 10

#2 - 8 out of 10

#3 - hmmm.... I laughed but still feel dirty. /I'm going to go take a shower and try to get that picture out of my head!
 

Familiar-Enemy

Guest
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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What do you do when a dumb blonde throws a gernade at you????
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Pull the pin and throw it back!!
 

DeletedUser

Guest
the first post was the best.

i feel.........????

yeah....grouse when i think of it

LOLOLOL
 

DeletedUser

Guest
One day a 12 year old boy walked over to a nearby prostitution house dragging along a dead frog with a rope tied around its neck with him. When he wrung the bell there, the mistress of the house opened the door but was quite shocked at seeing such a young boy dragging along a dead frog standing in front of her and thus asked him what did he want.

The boy innocently replied back "Hello miss, I am from across the street and I really need to hire one of your girls, could you please let me in?"

Seeing the blank expression on the mistress's face, he quickly added in "I have lots of cash!"

The mistress uneasily opened the door for him and let him enter giving him a big book of pictures of their available prostitutes to chose from. After a while, the boy looking annoyed, asked "Wheres Amber? The men at the pub were saying that Amber has AIDS, I need her!"

Even more shocked, the mistress took the payment from him and pointed at the way to Amber's room.

After an hour or so, the boy came out, looking tired, yet he had a huge smirk on his face.

So just when the boy was about to leave the house, the mistress called him back to her desk and asked him why did he chose the girl with the disease out of all the other clean girls in the house available there.

The boy replied in his soft tone

"When I go back home this evening, my parents are going to go out for dinner as soon as my baby sitter arrives. When my baby sitter makes sure that my parents are gone, she will strip me down and have sex with me as she has a thing for cute boys.

When my parents will come back home late at night, my dad will have to drop off my baby sitter to her house. On the mid way there, my father will stop the car near a motel and do it with her.

After dropping my baby sitter off, when my dad comes back home, my mom will be ready for him in bed and they will have sex all night long.

In the morning, when my father leaves for work, about an hour later, the milk man will arrive and as usual my mom will bang him in his van and he's the son of a bit*h who ran over my pet frog!"
 
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DeletedUser

Guest
um....

that isnt very funny

in fact it is very,umm...

i would get an infraction if i said it

Though i believe the funny part is before the boy speaks
 
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Familiar-Enemy

Guest
Wish I had a dead frog on a rope, I'd swing it at people!
smoke.gif
 

DeletedUser

Guest

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
 

DeletedUser15106

Guest
A rabbit walks into a bar, marches up to the bartender and says, "Got any carrots?"

The bartender stares curiously at the rabbit, and replies slowly, "No... this is a bar, we don't sell carrots here." So the rabbit shrugs, and leaves.

Next day, the rabbit walks back into the bar and marches up to the bartender. "Got any carrots?" says the rabbit.

"You were in here yesterday, weren't you?" replies the bartender. "I already told you, we don't have carrots here." So once again, the rabbit leaves.

Next day the rabbit returns to the bar again. "Got any carrots?" he asks once again.

The bartender slams his fist down on the counter in a rage. "Look, I've told you twice already," he replies, fuming, "we don't sell carrots here. And if you come in just one more time and ask for carrots, I'm going to... to... nail your ears to this counter!"

The rabbit jumps back quickly. "Ooh!" he says, and rushes out of the bar.

The following day, the rabbit walks cautiously back into the bar, looks around for a moment, then confidently walks towards the bartender. "Got any nails?" he says, grinning.

The bartender looks perplexed. "No... I don't have any nails..."

So the rabbit replies, "Cool. Got any carrots?"
 
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