DeletedUser
Guest
keep em coming guys! I'm in stitches off those last few :icon_biggrin:
so bored in work and these are very entertaining :icon_cool:
so bored in work and these are very entertaining :icon_cool:
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DeletedUser
Guest
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor
asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to
your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed,
kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a
detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder
this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad
I came
room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor
asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to
your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed,
kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a
detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder
this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad
I came
DeletedUser
Guest
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
DeletedUser
Guest
funniest one here
DeletedUser
Guest
lololololololol
DeletedUser
Guest
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions..
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
__________
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown
Chicago . Nothing Is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What
happened, what's the hold up?'
Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,
Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al
Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and
set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone
giving?'
'About a gallon
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions..
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
__________
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown
Chicago . Nothing Is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What
happened, what's the hold up?'
Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,
Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al
Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and
set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone
giving?'
'About a gallon
DeletedUser
Guest
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Oh man!!
I practically pissed myself when i read that line! :lol:
DeletedUser
Guest
[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."[/FONT]
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."[/FONT]
DeletedUser15106
Guest
[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."[/FONT]
hahahahaha that was brilliant
DeletedUser
Guest
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
_________________________________________________________
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
_________________________________________________________
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
DeletedUser
Guest
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :lol:
DeletedUser
Guest
Why would he want his wife/girlfriend to drink someone elses.....it would be hard for me to look at her after that....
Last edited by a moderator:
DeletedUser
Guest
Why would he want his his wife/girlfriend to drink someone elses.....it would be hard for me to look at her after that....
to prove that she can swallow :icon_wink:
probably not the best way to go about it, admittedly, but amusing all the same :lol:
DeletedUser
Guest
Wouldn't be worth it to me.....but this is a joke after all......
DeletedUser
Guest
lolololololololololololol
awesome joke!
awesome joke!
DeletedUser
Guest
to prove that she can swallow :icon_wink:
probably not the best way to go about it, admittedly, but amusing all the same :lol:
Amusing indeed, lolzz :icon_twisted: I have to remember this one :lol:
DeletedUser
Guest
ECONOMICs 101 :
SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour. [/font]
COMMUNISM :
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
NAZISM :
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to
Produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A BRITISH CORPORATION :
You have two cows. Both are mad.
LEBANON SYSTEM :
You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by the government.
EGYPT SYSTEM :
You have two cows.. Both vote for Mubarak.
DUBAI SYSTEM :
You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a ' Cow City ' or 'Milk Village ' for them.
You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to re -sell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract media attention.
SHARJAH SYSTEM :
You have two cows. You sell them to an investor in Dubai .
The cows get
stuck in traffic between Sharjah to Dubai and die. You have
zero cows now
ABUDHABI SYSTEM :
You have two cows. So what? We have Oil .
DeletedUser
Guest
ECONOMICs 101 :
SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour. [/font]
COMMUNISM :
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
NAZISM :
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to
Produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A BRITISH CORPORATION :
You have two cows. Both are mad.
LEBANON SYSTEM :
You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by the government.
EGYPT SYSTEM :
You have two cows.. Both vote for Mubarak.
DUBAI SYSTEM :
You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a ' Cow City ' or 'Milk Village ' for them.
You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to re -sell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract media attention.
SHARJAH SYSTEM :
You have two cows. You sell them to an investor in Dubai .
The cows get
stuck in traffic between Sharjah to Dubai and die. You have
zero cows now
ABUDHABI SYSTEM :
You have two cows. So what? We have Oil .
lololololololololololololol
good
i liked the dubai system
DeletedUser
Guest
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
___________________________________________________________
How do a blonde's braincells die? they die ALONE..
___________________________________________________________
A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He figured that the parents would think it was the dog. Every time he farted the young girl's parents told the dog to get off the couch and so the man kept going, finally he let rip and the parents finally told the dog to get off the couch before the man shit on him!
___________________________________________________________
How do a blonde's braincells die? they die ALONE..
___________________________________________________________
A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He figured that the parents would think it was the dog. Every time he farted the young girl's parents told the dog to get off the couch and so the man kept going, finally he let rip and the parents finally told the dog to get off the couch before the man shit on him!
DeletedUser
Guest
A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He figured that the parents would think it was the dog. Every time he farted the young girl's parents told the dog to get off the couch and so the man kept going, finally he let rip and the parents finally told the dog to get off the couch before the man shit on him!
I have heard this before but it is still funny:lol:
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