[spoil]There is a blinding moment of clarity, and then it goes black. The world fades and dims around me, dying slowly into a dull and gray existence. The beauty that I beheld has wilted and withered. Roses are not as red, the sun not as bright, the grass not as green; it is as if I have stepped into a small game.
The perks? None. There is no perk to this dull life. Once in awhile, I come across a person. A person who shines brighter than the rest, who illuminates the world once more. But lights are meant to die, and no energy lasts forever. Still that beautiful moment of light extends my hope, drawing it to call for a moment of clarity that never ends.
That moment does not come.
I fear only that the light in others will die, or be dimmed as well. While my own energy has faded, my vivid enthusiasm shifted towards a melancholy nature, I worry that the lights of others will do the same. Sadly, I have seen so many lights extinguished; people whose beauty shocked me and took my breath away, only to fade in time as well. Despite my efforts to blow on the smoldering embers and keep their energy and fire alight, they fall into darkness. They destroy themselves and the beauty they once held, that sweet luminescence that made this world so much more bearable.
I fear, sometimes, that I am the cause of this destruction. That it is I, with all my good intentions, who leads them to Hell. If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, then I fear only that I have kept it smooth and easy to fall into, destroying the very energy that keeps me going. I cower at the thought that perhaps my sustenance on this beauty is a leech, drinking in the source of the illumination as sustenance in the hopes that it will expand and enrich my own life.
But then I realize, all things end.
Still...is there no beauty that lasts forever? A rose remains a rose, be it gray or vivid. Is the beauty inherent within the thing, or the way in which it is presented? I am inclined towards the latter; presentation and illumination has a large influence on the subconscious mind of the human being. As much as I would like to think I am different, and though I believe I am, this is not one of the ways in which I am truly different. And so I find myself wondering; where is the truth that will illuminate me? The purpose that drives me and makes the world worth living?
Now, I find myself at a cross-roads.
I have left behind a path of destruction for a large portion of my life. While I have created beautiful memories, I have tainted them with pain and sorrow, and watched those lights dim even while I attempted to keep them going. Here, I find myself, with a choice.
Pursue or permit.
I have found another light, one that shines brightly but with its own melancholy pattern. I have not seen a light like this for years; almost two years now. It's beauty is unmatched, even by the prior lights, while its melancholy appears inexplicably ignored. While it exists, it is denied. Two years ago, and indeed three years ago at the height of my pursuit of similar endeavors, I would work tirelessly to assist those with such lights. But I fear slightly that in my attempts to do so, I only heightened the melancholy. Was I truly an assisting factor in their success? If so, then why...why did they succeed only when I had exited their lives?
But I am not who I was.
Rather than indulge in their melancholy, and rather than fight on their terms, I realize now unlike before that their light can only be brightened if I lend them some of mine. And while I have precious little to give, my goal has always been to create more. If I can spark, perhaps, a small portion of their light to create a fire, a burning candle to help them pull forward without fear, then I have completed my mission.
Am I capable? I do not know. Her light is melancholy and her heart heavy, and she realizes me not as the person who can save her I think. She sees me as a mere friend; a shoulder or assistor. And while that pains me, it does not surprise me; I have not extended myself. I must work tirelessly to change it, or move forward and leave this floundering soul behind me.
But this floundering soul...I fear for it. I fear that it will lend itself to destruction and pain, the likes of which I have not experienced this closely before. I can no more abandon someone than I can kill them myself, and I am not a man of violence. This soul...it needs repair and quickly too, lest it find itself falling into a self-consuming pit of darkness. I fear there is precious little time, too. Her eyes are dead and her sorrow great, and she can only endure so much.
And her smile...that sad smile.
It lacks life. It lacks truth. It lacks any hint of happiness. Rather, it is the poor, mirrored reflection of the true smiles it sees, crooked and lopsided with the inabililty to be a perfect replica. I see no smiles, only pain in those twitches of her lips. It pains me to see her pain, and it pains me that she has been so unhappy. I do not enjoy it, I do not like it, and while my own light is dimming I cannot allow hers to flicker out. What kind of man would I be, then?
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I must save her, if I can. Or at least begin. I must start a process, lest she fall into darkness before I can intervene. While the devil may have her today, and while she may be fading fast, I will not let her fall. Never. I am not willing nor able to stand on the sidelines and ignore the pain of another because of my own hesitation to involve myself. I am smarter, I am stronger, and I will not allow her to falter as I have allowed myself to falter in attempting to fight alone against these shadows.
With any luck, our lights will fight them off together. But if we fail, I will fail knowing I did what I could have, without creating a worse situation. Tomorrow, I must work to save her from the darkness that surrounds us in this gray, dimly lit world.
That smile, soon, will be beautiful again. And the world will be lit.[/spoil]
I don't know...it's strange because I wrote it about a personal situation, but it's there and I'm confused by how it manifested in writing :icon_razz:.
. I also have a blog, but that's not so much stories as it is thoughts being recorded on the internet :icon_razz:.
